How to Have a Happy Marriage While Raising a Special Needs Child
Raising a child is already a full-time job—but raising a child with special needs? That’s a whole different animal (sorry for the lack of a better term, but it’s true).
I remember when my son was three years old, I asked my wife:
“Would you rather raise a set of triplets or our son?”
Without hesitation, she said, “Triplets.”
“How about quadruplets?” I asked.
She said, “Quadruplets.”
“Quintuplets?”
She paused for a moment, then replied, “Equal.”
And honestly, I agreed.
Parenting a child with both Autism and Williams Syndrome comes with unique challenges and joys. Over the past seven years, my wife and I have learned a few key lessons about nurturing our marriage while caring for our son. Here are some of the biggest lessons we’ve learned:
1. Define Your Roles Clearly
One of the quickest paths to frustration is not knowing who’s responsible for what. Parenting a child with special needs often involves extra tasks—feeding schedules, medications, therapy appointments, IEP meetings, laundry, teaching, reading, activities, and more.
It helps to sit down together and divide up responsibilities. Decide who will be the “primary” person for each task and who will step in as backup if needed. For example:
You handle medication and IEP meetings.
Your spouse handles feeding and laundry.
Your spouse handles bath time on weekdays, and you handle it on weekends.
You handle doctor visits while your spouse handles all the physical therapy.
This avoids double-booking or confusion, especially with medications or appointments. Having clear roles sets the tone for respect, accountability, and teamwork.
2. Communicate Like Teammates
Don’t just assume your spouse is free to cover you—check first. Before making appointments, especially ones that require the other person to step in, communicate clearly and ask about their availability.
Pro tip: Share a calendar on your phone so both of you can see what’s on each other’s schedule. Go over each other’s weekly schedule on Sunday night before the start of the week.
Also, when it comes to decisions—big or small—talk them through. Whether it’s a surgery, a new therapy, or even something as simple as choosing an extracurricular activity, make sure both of you are on the same page. Because it will affect both of your weekly routines.
3. Respect Each Other’s Parenting Style
It’s easy to think your way is the “right” way to raise a child, but when you’re part of a parenting team, it’s not about being right. It’s about your child seeing reinforcement of the same message from both parents. Nothing is more confusing to a child than when one parent allows you to pick apart your cheeseburger but the other parent does not.
Even if you disagree with how your partner handled a situation—especially when it comes to discipline—try not to correct them in the moment or in front of the child. Support them first. Then, later on, when the house is quiet and the kids are asleep, gently share your thoughts and offer your perspective. This fosters trust and encourages both of you to learn and grow together, rather than clashing.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is already hard. Parenting is already hard. Raising a child with special needs takes all of that to another level. But with shared roles, open communication, and mutual respect, you can build a strong, healthy marriage that not only survives but thrives.
And at the end of the day, remember: your child is blessed to have both of you.
